Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The New Billy Madison

Well, being on vacation is so nice. I'm not at a beach or up in the mountains. We're in NC visiting the wife's family which is just as great. There's no rush to anything and everything is very laid back and EVERYONE has a house key. Yesterday in our endeavours, we went to the school of my sister-in-law's son. He's in 1st grade and we ate lunch with him. There is humor in this for those who know me and then can picture me fitting in the chairs at the gradeschool lunch table. All was grand though. It was refreshing to see that the media's viewpoint's on the depleating school system and that children being left behind are all unfounded. I had a good time seeing the kids eyes light up when they saw a new visitor in their lair. One even said "MAN, he's 7 feet tall!" Blake, the ringbearer in our wedding, ordered for us. We all had the chef salad (which for gradeschool food was really good- probably something you'd spend $7.99 on at Ruby Tuesday AND no tip necessary). We knew when it was time to get up when all of the kids started lining up on the outside wall, so we followed. As we went out the door there was a female stragler that looked a little peekid. As we went outside to go around the building bringing up the rear of the line, the little girl proceeded to toss her cookies. Let me rephrase that, the projectile vomit was quite impressive. It was neverending folks, and this was a little girl too. I don't think I could have matched that volume. I ran to the bathroom to wet down a towel for her as the sister-in-law consoled her. Poor kid. After that we were off to visit MOM, my-mother-in law, on the other side of school. She teaches 5th grade, they were a little bit more of the hellions you'd expect. Attitudes abounding. Good kids though. We weren't much different though when we were young. So have no fear, the future of our contry is not lost.
Tomorrow I'm off to hit the links with DAD, father-in-law and Adam. FORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Drive Thru

Yes, Mols, another lunch story. Today Dan was going to lunch a little early. It wouldn't have made a difference though if I HAD gone right at noon because I still would have been stuck behind the same lady I was behind 15 minutes earlier. I was CRAVING McDonald's. I hadn't had it in a while, and being the devout Catholic that I am, I had the DOUBLE filet O' fish w/ out cheese. Prior to me ordering, the lady in front of me, as she pulls up to the michrophone, rolls her window down in her SUV. I see her hand come out of the window with a WHOLE sheet of loose leaf paper. "Go ahead with your order, please" the voice says loudly. The bitch continues just as loud with "Yes, I actually have 9 separate orders". (Not 2 or the odd 3, but 9!!!!!) In the drive Thru!!!!! Now I have my window down on the van as does the construction truck behind me, and we both heard it simultaneously and said simultaneously, "YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME", loudly. She heard us as she turned and scoffed at our utility trucks. The guys behind me back out of line, fly past her honking and flipping her off, I back out and honk as well, but no flipping off for me( I was a little more courteous to the mom and 2 kids coming out of the restaurant). We both go in the same door shaking our heads and commenting on the ridiculousness and uncouthness of the 9 separate order at the drive thru. I order my said fish sandwich AFTER the other guys, walk out behind them, and she is STILL at the microphone. Not the pay window or picking up her food, STILL ORDERING!!! Fucking idiots....The world is filled with them.
On a much cuter note, pardon the pun, check this one out. She's got nothing on Olive though. We ripped out Stairway to Heaven a few weeks ago, me on drums and her playing lead guitar.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

A Call Out to Babaganoush!!!

Putting out the bat signal here. So I'm in the bank Friday afternoon on the way home from work. I'm waiting in line behind a comedian....sorry, I failed to mention he was a seriously redneck hilbilly telling me jokes I wasn't ready for about the Daytona 500 mixed with a few sex jokes. Yes, in line in the bank!!!

Ok 2 tellers were busy and the window teller was busy so the wait was WAYYYYYYY long and I can't even remember the joke about Jeff Gordon. The teller to the right was helping an upper middle class white couple who had no information on them in order to access their account, they were still there when I left. The lady that stepped forward as I walked in was a young attractive black woman w/ a daughter, she was a little better prepared for her transaction by the way.

My call out is this, the unprepared couple had 2 children in there w/ them screaming and yelling and running all over the place, once in front of me while running into my leg. (I know I'm bigger than them, but was it wrong to want to trip them both). The other younger woman's daughter waited patiently by her side holding her pants leg. Question: What is the secret behind good parenting?" It seems as though every time I go out more times than not, the caucasian children are out of control. It's almost like younger black children see the fear of God in their mothers and fathers, I think I almost see it too. I want to be a good black parent some day....what is the secret?
Dr., if you can help, I'll take any suggestions I can get.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Throwing My Name in that Hat

Ok, so far there are 3 men, the most recent being Zsa Zsa Gabore's husband, who is in the running for a nearly $500,000,000 estate. Since Ms. Smith's abrupt and unsuprisingly early death, her newborn daughter is now an orphan of the state. Who's is she??? Well ,folks whoever can be proven to be her biological parent, stands to gain a fair share of the amount shown above. So this is my story:
A little over a year ago, I went off to "Lutron Training". Or that's what I told my wife. I was secretly in Vegas winning hundreds of thousands of dollars w/ my older brother while we wore the same light blue suits, ala Rainman. While at the high roller's table, Ms. Smith was struck with the bolt of lightning we call LUST. As she turned her head, and her eyes caught mine, it was destiny. We strolled up to my suite, with the bed put up by the window over looking Vegas, again ala Rainman. It was a porno in the making, when the moment was just about to happen she lowered herself over me and knocked me unconcious with the mountains we've all come to call, well, Anna's tit's. I don't remember anything after that. The next thing I remember is waking up with a note in the shape of an airplane on my pillow and the song 'Take My Breath Away' playing in an unlocated radio within the room. I miss that woman, she was my destiny. I think I might be the next multimillionaire....I mean father of the baby. (This is a comment thrown in after publication, but doesn't this picture just make you smile? The more and more I look at it, I smile. They, I mean she just looks really happy right here.)

Seriously though folks, all joking aside. The woman was 39 years old. She was swept up in the world of hollywood and glamour and HAD to have finally come to the realization that she was where she was because of what she looked like and what she had physically. Not because of her brains, or personality, or acting skills. It really is a shame that those are the perameters for acceptance in the world of glitz and glamour. RIP, Ms. Smith, after years of speed and amphetamines, you need the rest.
PS- I searched and searched for a tastefully done image that wouldn't offend anyone. There actually were many to choose from and in my infinate wisdom of photography, this was the one I picked. In my searching, I found that she really was pretty photogenic.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Global warming???

Nice that I'm posting this when it's only 'Ah' degree outside, huh. But there's something I've looked into that is quite interesting. Global Warming a farse??? Over the past DECADE, there have been extremely harsh and cold weather in the North Atlantic. There have been unnusually large ice flows around Iceland and Greenland and up and into the Arctic Ocean where "experts" say the ice is melting. Now I know it's pretty F'ing cold right now here, but over the past few weeks it has been in the 30's and 40's, right?? Fairly mild. Now it stands to reason that when it's 30 to 40 degrees here, it's EASILY going to be @40 to 50 degrees colder, AT THE VERY LEAST in the Arctic Circle, I'd even venture to say upwards of 60 degrees colder, OR MORE. Guess what water freezes, AND STAYS FROZEN, until it reaches 32 degrees F. We all learned this in gradeschool.... we're not stupid, are we. It's actually quite simple.

There are, however, area's where there are Glaciers MELTING and guess what they are finding under these glaciers??? Hmmm???? ANCIENT Norse civilizations. Yes, the Earth was warmer at one point than it is now and people lived in these now frozen areas and planted crops. Way warmer. No, George Bush didn't lift up the glacier with a thermonuclear-anti-particle ray beam and plant these civilizations under the glaciers to prove a point of the already proven constant shifting in climates ( I know there are crazies out there who may think that is the case). Hell, England even used to have vast lands of grape vineyards for wine, BUT it became way too cold over the years to do so.

It always seems that the media wants to make the world a small little place in our TV sets at home when we're making dinner or what not. Negative news is BIG news, and if some Yahoo says the sky is falling, guess where all of the reporters go??? Outside with their camera's pointed up in the air. In all actuality, folks, the Earth's a pretty fucking big place. Go up in a plane, WAY UP THERE and look down, you're only looking at a small portion of Kentucky or Tennessee, there's a lot more left out there. We are but puppets my friends in this game we call life.
The other day an ecological scientist on a local or nationwide ( I can't remember) news interview, was quoted as saying that "Yes, humans are actually contributing to global warming, however there is no real concerted effort that we can do to make things any better". So I guess what the guy is saying is, 'ladies and gents, we tried, everyone go home, give up, buy every last SUV that gets 12 or less MPG, and drive at excessive speeds to reduce the mileage even further while using hairspray w/cfc's with the windows down.'

I officially give up, I suppose we're damned if we dop and damned if we don't. I'm moving to Mars w/ Marvin.

Class is over.